Mad Fat Friday Breaking News Breakdown by Ace Jones

Hello and welcome to this Mad Fat Friday Breaking News Breakdown!

What’s on the ticker today?  One of my personal favorites, the lovely and perfectly useless Kim Kardashian. What’s happened to her this time? Oh, it was terrible! It was awful! It was so dangerous that the paramedics were called to the scene!

Last night, Kim Kardashian was hit with what local law enforcement is calling a “so-called flour bomb” but what I’m calling a “terrible waste of biscuit mix”.

I’ve been so upset! When I read this article, all I could think was, “WHY wasn’t this listed in a red scrolling letter box on my MSN home page!?! Because this is NEWS!!”

Kim was quoted as saying that the incident was “probably the craziest, unexpected, weird thing that ever happened to me.” Really? Because I was thinking she might’ve felt that way when her mom posed for Playboy a few years back. Okay….

Kimmy-baby went on to say, “I said to my makeup artist, I wanted more powder and that’s a whole lot of translucent powder right there.” Oh, that is such a great play-it-off joke! Because flour is SO well known for its transparency and luminosity. L-Ok not really-L!

And check out this great quote from “Paramedics were called to West Hollywood’s London Hotel, but Kardashian, who got most of the powder on her jacket and hair, refused treatment…” Oh, dang! If she refused treatment, then I guess I can’t call 911 the next time I make cookies. Shit! (What I’d really like to know is how long it took the people on the scene to determine the “substance” was flour.) went on to say, “So far, she has not tweeted anything about the incident, although sister Khloé Kardashian Odom was inspired to write: ‘I wish I was with my sister tonight. I bet you that woman wouldn’t have dared tried a thing.’”  Right. Lest we forget who plays the role of family beast.

Moving on…

Perhaps the bomb-launching woman (who walked away footloose and fancy free) was just confused. I mean, what if she thought she was showing up for a Paula Deen cooking demonstration then mistook Kim’s black-leather-clad big round juicy ass for a greased up cornbread skillet?

Or maybe she wasn’t confused at all and was simply voicing her opinion on who should’ve been cast in one of those fifty-six Snow White movies coming out this summer. Maybe she got paid to do it (Kim is not pressing charges). Who knows? And, at the end of the day, who really cares? As long as we’re all having fun!    

The good news is that Kim changed clothes and went on about her business of shameless self-promotion. She was later spotted with a big box of Ding-Dong cakes and overhead saying, “I like that it was self-rising.”

Power to the Flour!